— Edgar Allan Poe (via hopelessness-aside)
I don’t know if I have a written phrase on my forehead that says “I can be bullied”. Wherever I go, whoever person I meet, whatever time it is, I experience bullying. Maybe some people will say it’s just a friend’s way of teasing or breaking the ice. But, really, it isn’t. Because however funny it could get it would still hurt. There’s a saying that “jokes are always half-meant” and I believe that. Why would a person joke about something if it doesn’t have a tinge of truth in it? But because I’ve been bullied since first grade I have come to tolerate it and sometimes just laugh at it with my friends. When I’m alone though, I recall all the things they’ve said and reflect on things which I can or can not do something about. So I hate it when people say “ang sama mo”. Why? I know how it feels to be bullied, so I don’t say something in a sarcastic way or say something that’s already been sugar-coated. It’s crap. It’s bullshit. It won’t help a person grow. I tell the truth even if it hurts, even if you’re my friend. Although to be honest, I’m still scared of what I might say that could hurt a person so I still try to be careful sometimes. I don’t intend to intimidate or to demean someone by saying the truth. I say it in a nice way! Hah. Just sometimes, hehe. So if you’re going to tell me that I’m mean because I’m saying the truth, think again. Many people hate me because of how I speak or because of my attitude. Yes, I know. I can be a real bitch sometimes but at least I’m not a hypocrite or playing safe just to get all people’s approval. But sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t been bullied more than half of my existence, would I be like this? Would I be this kind of person? The person who is always kind of angry and in defence? I think not. It’s not an excuse. I chose to be like this, it doesn’t matter how long I’ve been bullied because I can still be nicer than I am now. I believe, I am nice. My friends can attest to that. So people would just have to hate me and I would hate on them because they hate me. What? I am person who won’t let you like me if in the first place you hadn’t liked me at all. I won’t try to make you like me. I won’t even try to get you to talk to me. If that’s what you think of me, then let’s leave it at that. But it hurts me, because you’ve already judged me without even trying to get to know me. I know, it’s malabo. Haha. I don’t even know why I wrote this. Maybe because I want the people around me to understand or because I have nothing better to do. Damn. So sorry to waste your time, if you’ve read this at all. This doesn’t have a cohesive thought. I don’t even know the main point of this trail of thoughts. Plain random. So please don’t hate me because I’ve been trying hard to be nice, if this can be considered as that.
Some people say that I should adjust to all people. That I should be nice or whatever because not everyone can or will understand. Well then, shoot me. Because I think I’m already nice and if you don’t like how nice I am now then forgive me because I couldn’t adjust anymore that my pants are sooo tight I need a breather. Oops don’t even try to smell. See, even I say the truth to myself even it hurts.